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The Essence of Kindness:
Transforming Lives with Compassion

PUBLISHED IN JUNE 2024

Kindness has always been a guiding principle in my life. As far back as I can remember, whenever I found myself in new or challenging situations, I would recall an aphorism: "If in doubt, do the kind thing." This simple phrase became a compass, guiding me through uncertainty with a sense of softness, understanding, and compassion. For me, it is not about grand gestures, but about small, consistent acts that make a difference.

Embodying Kindness: Insights from the Tamworth Pioneers Project

This was beautifully illustrated with the Tamworth Pioneers Portrait Project and the astounding portrait of Aunty Yvonne Kent unveiled in May 2024. What emerged as the community worked together and shared stories was her example of kindness as an approach to leadership.

In the documentary capturing the process produced by Third Tree Creatives, one contributor, CEO Belinda Kotris, reflected on her experience, saying, "Sometimes, it’s not about being 'right', it is about being kind. Aunty Yvonne embodied kindness in everything she did.”

Yvonne's example of kindness resonated deeply with another participant, particularly during a conflict with a client. This conflict arose because her values and ways of operating were in stark contrast to what was being asked of her. Yet, inspired by Aunty Yvonne’s legacy of drawing people together through kindness, and Belinda’s words, ‘...it’s not about being 'right,' it is about being kind,’ she wanted to embody that same spirit, even in difficult circumstances.

Understanding The Heart of Kindness

So the question arose, ‘What exactly is kindness, and how can I embody it now?’ I gave this a lot of thought. We use the words ‘kind’ and ‘kindness’ often, but what do they really mean?

It isn't something I can easily define or pinpoint how it is generated, but I know it when I feel it—a state marked by gentleness, understanding, and compassion. For me, kindness is a quality that transcends simple actions and words. It is something that has to be felt. It involves empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others. You can’t do this unless you think about the other person with understanding.

At its core, kindness involves recognising the intrinsic worth of every individual and responding with warmth and understanding, regardless of the situation or their actions. For me, kindness has a softening effect. Ironically, it is easier to be kind to a stranger or when the other person's actions don't affect or impact me. To be honest, it is not so easy for me when the other person is doing things that are inconsiderate, hurtful, or negatively impacting me in some way.

So why bother? Why open and soften our hearts, even when we are in conflict or disagree with the values or actions of another person? Some might say this is naive and outright stupid—to be kind to someone who might not deserve it. We could be taken advantage of or not appreciated.

So, why choose kindness and allow that to guide us in navigating difficult situations with empathy and integrity? From my personal perspective—which might sound selfish—apart from the benefit to the other person, I do it for me. There is a big difference in the feeling inside me when I choose to be kind. It feels so much nicer than the alternative.

What is at the other end of the continuum of our feelings toward another?... Resentment, resistance, and retaliation—aka anger. I don’t like who I am when I do that AND it’s not good for my immune system or my brain. You know how much I love brains, don’t you?

The Science of Anger And Kindness

Impact of Anger and Resentment

Anger or resentment actually shrinks your brain! Anger and resentment increase cortisol levels, causing brain shrinkage, impaired neural connections, and systemic inflammation.

Increased Cortisol Levels

  • Chronic anger and resentment lead to elevated cortisol levels, the primary stress hormone. High cortisol levels have several negative effects:
  • Brain Structure: Prolonged high cortisol can cause shrinkage in areas of the brain such as the hippocampus, which is critical for memory and learning.
  • Neural Connections: Excessive cortisol can hinder neuroplasticity and reduce the formation of new neural connections, impairing cognitive functions.
  • Emotional Regulation: High cortisol levels make it harder to regulate emotions, often leading to increased anxiety and depression.

Muscle Tension

Anger and resentment cause muscle tension, leading to physical discomfort and increased risk of musculoskeletal problems.

Inflammation and Immune Function

Chronic negative emotions contribute to systemic inflammation, weakening the immune system and increasing susceptibility to various diseases.

Impact of Kindness

In contrast, kindness has a profound positive impact on both the brain and body. It promotes the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, enhancing social bonds, emotional regulation, and overall well-being. Kindness also supports neuroplasticity, leading to stronger neural connections and improved cognitive functions.

Oxytocin Release

Acts of kindness stimulate the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone." Oxytocin enhances social bonding, trust, and empathy. It has several positive effects on the brain and body:

  • Stress Reduction: Oxytocin helps lower cortisol levels, reducing stress and its harmful effects.
  • Social Bonding: It strengthens social connections and fosters a sense of belonging and security.
  • Emotional Regulation: Oxytocin promotes a sense of calm and well-being, helping to manage emotions more effectively.

Dopamine and Serotonin

Kindness activates the brain's reward system, leading to the release of dopamine, the "feel-good" neurotransmitter. This creates feelings of happiness and satisfaction. Serotonin, another neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation, also increases, contributing to a positive and stable mood.

Reduced Inflammation

Chronic stress and negative emotions like anger and resentment increase inflammation in the body, which is linked to numerous health issues, including cardiovascular disease and neurodegenerative conditions. Kindness, by reducing stress, can lower inflammation levels, protecting both physical and mental health.

OKAY - it’s a ‘No Brainer’ -
kindness is good for your brain.

HOW TO: Practical Ways to Embody Kindness

Let’s not explore how to be kind to strangers, doing ‘random acts of kindness’—that is easy. Rather, let’s set the bar high and consider how to do this when we are in conflict. Here are some practical ways to release resentment and generate empathy for someone you might have a conflict with:

Releasing Resentment

  • Write it Down - Journaling: Write about your feelings of resentment in a journal. Expressing your emotions on paper can help you process and understand them better.
  • Cognitive Restructuring - Reframe the Situation: Try to see the conflict from a different perspective. Consider what you can learn from the experience and how it might contribute to your personal growth.
  • Physical Activity - Exercise: Engage in physical activities such as walking, running, or yoga. Exercise helps reduce stress and improves mood by releasing endorphins.

Generating Empathy

  • Active Listening - Listen Without Interrupting and then Reflect and Validate: Reflect back what you hear and validate their feelings. This shows that you respect and understand their viewpoint.
  • Put Yourself in Their Shoes - Empathy Exercises: Imagine yourself in the other person's situation. Consider their background, experiences, and motivations.
  • Communicate Openly - Honest Conversations: Have open and honest conversations about the conflict. Express your feelings calmly with nonviolent communication—express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticising the other person.
  • Practice Kindness - Small Acts of Kindness: Perform small acts of kindness towards the person you're in conflict with. This can help shift your focus from resentment to positive interactions.
  • Self-Compassion - Be Kind to Yourself: Practice self-compassion and acknowledge your own feelings without judgment. Taking care of your emotional well-being can help you approach conflicts with a clearer and more empathetic mindset.

Self-compassion may have been mentioned last, but in my experience, everything starts with you. I’d love to hear how you experiment with this and the changes it makes in your life as you focus even more on practical kindness in your life.

Deb Maes

Deb Maes

WRITER

Deb Maes, M.A. Comm is like a magician in the way she is able to discern the exact key to unlock more of the untapped potential in leaders.

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